A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit Tallaght in the early hours of Friday 16th January 2004.
Epicentre: The Square Shopping Centre.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "...bleedin story?", "aaaaawrigh' bud" and "fUUUcksake". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately EUR30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Crete and Santa Ponza were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.
The Tallaght News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal means.
One resident - Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Ih was such a ####in' shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin' into me bedruem cryin'. Me youngisst two: Tyler-Morgan n Megan-Brooklyn slept tru ih all. Buh I was still shakin' when I was watchin' ####in' Rikki Lake leh-er in the ####in' mornin". Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime carried on as normal and were not affected.
The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, frozen pizza and John Player Blue to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include welfare books, jewellery including thousands of sovereign rings, many large medallions and Hash leaf ear rings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and fine Bone China from Tommy's Wonderland of Value.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
* Fila or Kappa baseball caps,
* Hoodies (any type)
* Tommy Hilfiger tracksuits (his and hers)
* Nike/Adidas Shell suits (female)
* White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx.
* Anything from Magic or Unique Boutique.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
* McCains oven chips
* Heinz baked beans
* Goodfellas Frozen Pizza
* Strongbow Cider
* Smirnoff Ice.
* John Player Blue 15's. (unmarried mother handy pack)
And remember that your contribution counts!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and bookie slips. Just EUR5.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. Only EUR6.00 will pay for a packet of 20 Major to calm the nerves of those affected.
Note: Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of such plush accommodation is unfair on the population of the local halting sites.